20

Nineteen years. The gaily folk look upon the happening.

Today I' nineteen and the people beside me, all of them blinds to life, they want to party. They think it is happy, beautiful.

They want a party, but the years I count are not nineteen, but eleven.

In eleven years I'll be dead, damn. It has past four years since the half of my life. I shall die at thirty years and, at two thirds of my life, what did I did? What is my legacy?

I have no kids, no book for posterity, no widows to leave, my friends can't see me when they gaze at me.

I think about what I could do, if the brevity of life didn't come to take me to death.

I feel my lifetime getting wasted and death says she is coming. I'm afraid. For the first time I feel the fear of death, and for the first time I can understand this fear.

So much planning, so many ways... little time. Eleven years! Two thirds of a life and only now I began trying to meet my fate. I grip the things and I learned to fight for them.

Ah, if I could! At least come back some four or ten years... How many things I could hurry, how many hesitations I could avoid... Because it is better fail than not to act. I understand now Anabel Lee, who could never fully taste her own life. She could have done so much, but death took her during her childhood.

Ah, but if I could, if I could at least make my dreams come true before dying in eleven years. It would be a gift, a sad miracle. Yes, sad, because doing all my dreams come true in ten years means that I could do a lot more if I were to live thrice , if I were to live until nineteen years old. I could change the world if I lived so much.

The tragic death in eleven years scares me. Why the right for living like the other people had been denied to me? A life in which I could rest and rejoice each stage.

I would change the world if I could live more than thirteen. I at least the people didn't waste their times, if they could know every secrets I know... each one would be a god. I wish I could kill myself to escape from my death.

next year shall be ten years...